Monday, March 30, 2009
1. Just be glad your kids aren't planning a neighborhood dance in your backyard with out as much as mentioning the idea to you or your spouse. You have to find out about it by looking out the kitchen window only to find your 5 year old slow dancing with her long time crush, and about 70 other kids from the neighborhood including a 13 year old DJ.
2. Just be glad your kids aren't poking holes in every raw egg in the house and blowing all the insides out, then making houses, for their cute little egg families. Of course the thing with egg families is that they have to have egg related/clever names like eggbert, eggwina, egglynn, eggson...you get the idea!
3. Just be glad your kids aren't "digging" a "pool" in the back yard until they realize it is really hard, and then they just leave the mounds of dirt piled all around the back yard, and a hole in the "garden area" about 2 ft. deep, 12 ft. long and 5 ft. wide. And it stays there forever!
4. Just be glad your kids aren't getting you drinks of water from unknown sources!
5. Just be glad your kids aren't having a yard sale and selling lots of YOUR stuff, including a tandum bike that you really kinda wanted.
6. Just be glad your kids aren't painting "Kenny + his poo" on the side of your house in hot pink nail polish.
7. Just be glad your kids aren't burning little holes in the brand new trampoline over and over with a magnifying glass.
8. Just be glad your kids aren't "digging" an underground fort, in the same area that was going to be the "pool", until they realize that it is just as hard as digging a pool, so they leave new mounds of dirt all over the back yard...forever!
9. Just be glad your kids aren't walking to the neighborhood drug store to buy candy with some little friends, and on the way to the drugstore, passing a bum sorting through his trash, and guy without a tongue that always yells at them...but they can't make out why, and a delinquent with very colorful language passing by on his 10 speed. And just be glad your kid's aren't dumpster diving for awesome treasure in the dumpster behind the drug store, and then not telling you anything about any of it, because they know that if they do you will not let them go anymore to the drugstore.
10. Just be glad your kids aren't in the kitchen concocting things such as: Tuna fish mixed with orange juice, butter on cheerios, white sugar on bread, pickle or olive juice popsicles, melted cheese in the microwave,or purposely sitting on a piece of bread to make it really flat before eating it. Yum Yum!
It was 1994 and I was living in a 25 year old, completely outdated, single-wide trailer with 3 other girls (paying WAY to much in rent, I'll have you know) while I was attending the AWESOME community college of Eastern Arizona. I know, I know, you are jealous! Well, since we had such a large living area consisting of a good 8 square feet of floor space, surrounded by two card-table chairs and a 1970's, faux suede, mustard-yellow love seat, we simply HAD to entertain. This particular party consisted mostly of "hot" guys that my roommates and I were trying to "woo" with our irresistible good looks and charm (EAC had a ratio of 7 girls for every guy in school... why did I go there again?). Well, at least they were BREATHING guys. So, we turned on music (probably a little "Ace of Base") and just started having a good time dancing and joking around. Well, somewhere in my head I thought that this would be an excellent time to start with my "center of attention" thing.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.
One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick housebut Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida .. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Friday, March 13, 2009
Monday, March 9, 2009
Saturday, March 7, 2009
A friend of ours told us this story about when he was a young father trying to get through school and working whatever jobs he could find. He took a job at a local mall walking around in a Big Bird costume. The costume was very tall, and he looked out from between the wings. The mall had lost some of the support structure for Big Bird's head, so he had to have a broomstick strapped to his back to hold the head up. It was very hot and uncomfortable.
One day, he was walking around the mall waving at children when he saw a group of 10-ish boys. They saw him and waved. He waved back. One of the kids approached him and our friend lifted his wings for a hug. The boy walked right up to him and kicked him hard in the shin! Then the boy laughed and ran away. As our friend puts it, these kids were of the age that it wasn't enough to not like Big Bird anymore; they had to prove to their peers that they hated Big Bird.
A few minutes later, another one of the kids in the group came over to give Big Bird a hug, but instead he kicked him in the shin, too! Well, that was enough for our friend. He kept an eye on that group after that.
Several minutes later, he saw another one of the kids coming toward him from the side. Our friend just kept Big Bird turned sideways while watching the kid from the side of the eye slot. When the boy got very close, Big Bird spread his wings and grabbed the kid and pulled him very close in a tight hug. He then spoke to the boy and said:
"Listen, kid. I have an advantage over you, and that is that you don't know what I look like outside this costume. But I know what you look like, and I will be getting off work a little later. I will follow you around, and you won't know it's me. I will remember you. And as soon as I get you alone, maybe in the parking lot, I will give you a beating you won't forget. It may not even be today, but I will remember you. So if you're smart, you will leave me alone, and you will convince your friends to leave me alone, too. You understand me, kid?"
He let the kid go, and he ran away. That was the last trouble he had with any of those children. That was the last time any of them attacked Big Bird. They probably still have Big Bird nightmares.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Thursday, March 5, 2009
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down his foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.