Remember blogs?

 I had a hankering today for the olden days of around twelve years ago when my life seemed a little less stressful and my smart phone and social media hadn’t completely ruined my life. 🥴 When I would sit down at a computer and type up my blog post. I love looking at my old family blog. I wrote faithfully for a few years. Then it all stopped with social media, and yet I don’t use Facebook or Instagram as a journal at all. I really don’t post often at all, and very little of what I do post is personally about my life or my family.

 Well, I say it’s time to bring back the blog. If only for myself. It’s time for a funny post or two. So I’m writing a little something that happened to me a couple of years ago. 

 I was at the fruit and veggie market. A woman had a whole cart full of kale and other leafy greens. A man came up to her and said “wow- that’s a lot of kale”. Her response was “well, we juice”. He was an older man, I assume hard of hearing, because he responded with, “oh, that’s great - God’s chosen people”. 

The man even said “well, if you can’t eat bacon, I guess you might as well eat kale, huh?!” The lady tried to clarify what she had, but he wasn’t hearing it at all. I just sat back and watched. So funny. 

What's So Funny!?

   As I look back on posts from this blog, I am amazed at how funny I kind of used to be. What happened to my funny way of thinking?  Does it even exist any more? I think I used humor as a coping mechanism when I had no time to myself, screaming little children were my only companions, and when I was in a lot of physical pain.  Those days are pretty much over for me.  I have time to myself every day while my kids are in school, I don't have chronic pain anymore, and I go on regular dates with my husband, and out to lunch with my friends.  So, maybe I don't NEED the humor anymore.
   But can I still want it? I surely have a funny bone still left in me.  I mean, I have humor in my genes. My dad tells a joke at least every day to any one who will listen... although some are probably not really listening.
   So I am going to attempt to write on occasion, funny memories or thoughts I may have. Beginning right now with a story I remember from a time when I shared a bedroom with two of my three younger sisters.  It was a glorious time, full of memories and conflicting personalities and raging hormones.  Ah, I remember it well.  Our parents were so kind to give us the master bedroom of the house, since there wasn't a lot of room for three kids in the other room, (I think back and they should have NOT been that nice to us - but they were). We had a set of bunk beds against one wall, and then coming at an L shape, the other bed was arranged.  That single bed was mine, and my head was right at the same end as my sisters who were on the bunk beds.
    Well, one night one of my sisters (maybe she was about 10 or 11 at the time) became sick to her stomach.  Well, I can see you don't want me to finish the rest of the story by the look I imagine on your face, BUT let's just say it was an easy clean up for my sister's bed, since she didn't want to get her own self and bedding dirty.  She must have forgotten where she was at the time, or at least where I was, because when she leaned over her top bunk, she puked ALL over my face.  And I didn't wake up.
    My very vivid memory of that night was my parents saying to me, "Emily, DO NOT open your eyes or mouth, and go get in the shower." It is the memories like this that seem crazy and hard at the time, but later make the best stories.  What are you enduring today that will be a laughable memory in the future?

Monday Memories- I have no secrets anymore, I guess.

      Once, there was this girl named Emily who loved to walk and talk and sing in her sleep. She has very little experiences with personal memories of such things, however, since she is usually asleep while she is sleepwalking, but always had to share a bedroom with her sisters, so they filled her in on all the excitement! There was one time she remembers part of the sleepwalking, because she woke up in the middle of it all.

    One time while going to college, she decided to spend the night with a cousin who lived at home with her parents in a nearby town. During the night, Emily apparently woke up and stormed out of the room. Her cousin was a little alarmed, but not enough to try and get Emily back to bed. She said she listened for the front door to make sure nobody walked outside, and then she went back to sleep. She noticed the clock, and it said 1:30 in the morning. Emily has no idea what happened next, except her cousins who lived in the basement of that house said someone was stomping their feet and making so much noise in the night, and since nobody else remembered anything of that, I assume it was Emily.

   Now, on to the part she remembers! So, Emily was ready to go back to bed, I guess, so she went back in to what she thought was her cousin's bedroom. But it wasn't. It was her aunt and uncle's room. She must have thought someone was sleeping in her bed, so she tried to push her very quiet and reserved uncle out of bed. He said something to wake her, like, "Whoa! What's going on?!"  Emily woke up, and was so embarrassed, standing there in her underwear in their room. She hurried and ran back to her couson's bedroom. She glanced at the clock and saw that it was 4:15. Emily has often wondered what happened during those few hours. 

I guess I will never know!

Kids Say the Darndest Things!

One thing I love about kids is their ability to be little comedians without even trying. I wish I was the mom who could remember all the funny things my kids have said over the years, or at least the mom who could remember to write some of them down.  Or, the mom who could at least remember where I put the paper I wrote them down on. :) So here are a few of the funny things (that I actually DO remember) the kids in my life have said.

* When a man came to my door, who happened to have a mecahnical hand that almost looked like a hook, needing to talk to my husband about something church related, my 7 year old son answered the door and quickly comes yelling to me, "Mom!! Come quick! There's a guy at the door and he used to be a PIRATE!!!"

* When looking through my purse (probably looking for gum!) my two daughters found a tampon. "Hey," the youngest one said, "Aunt Andrea has these in her purse, too!" The oldest girl, about 5 at the time, replies, in her most "know-it-all" voice, "Staci, they're called CROUTONS!"

* A neighborhood boy, who just turned 5, said to me the other day, "Did you know I got fifty-thousand bucks for my birthday?!" When I said, "Wow! That's a lot of money", he said, "Actually, I got a dollar, but my dad says if I get a money manager I can get another dollar!"

* When taking a hearing test, my youngest cousin was put in a booth, with earphones on, and told to repeat all of the words he heard. One word was said, and he would repeat the word back. Everything went fine until they came to the word "doll". After several attempts, and making the word louder and louder, the doctor came in and said, "you can't hear that word, Spencer?". "Oh, no." he replied. "I can hear it, I just don't want to say THAT word."

What are some of the funny things the kids in your life have said?

My Monday Memory

Have I ever shared my most embarrassing moment with you? Okay, okay, ONE of my most embarrassing moments! I was working in a door shop at the time. It was 1999, which turned out to be the worst AND best year of my life, by the way! I was going through the hard part of the year, and was seeking a "fresh start" in a new town.  I had decided to move a few hours away and start back to school full-time to finish up my degree. By the way, I was single. This was part of the reason it was "the hard part" of the year.  I met my husband only three months after this happened... which was the good part, in case you were wondering! :)

     Here comes the embarrassing part! (No, it wasn't that I was working in a door shop, if that is what you were thinking!)  I loved my job there! I had made several great friends.  Well, a few of those friends came up with a great idea to have a surprise going away party for me on my last day of work.  It was so nice of them.  They ordered lunch for everyone, and brought in special treats and things! It was such a fun day, until something that was, what you might say, "the icing on the cake!"

I was working in the office, when I heard an intercom announcement calling me out to the warehouse to deal with a customer.  I went out, without hesitation, for this was a pretty common occurrence.  I should have suspected something was "up", however, when a co-worker handed me an envelope full of one dollar bills!  I went out, and met the customer, and asked how I could help him.  He then proceeded to tell me that he was a stripper, and had been hired by a few of my co-workers to give me a last day of work I would never forget!

     "Uhhhhh, WHAT?!" was my reply.  I remember telling him that I was not that type of girl, and that he really shouldn't do this!  I quickly looked to the side of the shop, and saw probably close to 50 people watching this all take place.  The word had gotten out in all departments that there was a male stripper in the door shop, and all the single, crazy, middle-aged women from all departments came runnin'!

      I thought I was going to die. And I REALLY thought for sure I was going to throw up! I was NOT the kind of girl that could have a lap dance at work. Well, not with an audience, anyway! Ha!  I remember telling the guy to just go do the dance for someone else, or let me leave.  He just told me that he was paid already to do this, and he was going to do this.  So he did, and I only watched maybe 2 minutes of it, through the cracks of my fingers that were covering my eyes! And, although it was embarrassing as anything I remember, the point is I REMEMBER it! Oh, and now, in the family owned and operated company handbook, it states very clearly, "no strippers at work". Before this incident, they never knew they needed to specify such a thing!

 

Here I am trying to talk the man out of stripping

 

Oh, and here he is, stripping anyway.  Down to a G-string.  I will post that picture another time.

Small town, Mississippi, you did me a service!

    ... because I'm gonna have some great stories to tell! Living in small town Mississippi, was like living in another world! I have never lived in the south. Not at all.  I am 1/4 hillbilly on my mom's side, which is why I always walk around barefoot, but I still had no idea what I was getting in to moving down there!
    Let's talk about some of the miscommunication going on! First off, I couldn't understand anything anyone was sayin'. And they couldn't understand me!! That's gonna lead to some miscommunication for sure!  I noticed one right away when I went through the Wendy's drive thru on one of my first few days in town.  In the south, people don't like to be usin' all kinds of words to communicate. Well, sometimes they do, sometimes they don't, but when it comes to asking someone to repeat themselves, because you didn't hear them or understand what they were saying, they don't.  They will use all kinds of words when they get up in your face about something! But that's another story for another time!
    So, Wendy's drive thru... as if a drive thru window isn't hard enough on the understanding. Well, if they don't understand you there, they use ONE word: "Ma'am!"  That's it.  And it's not even said in a way that makes you think it's even a question.  "Ma'am!" Kind of yelled and a little bit of annoyance in your tone of voice.  Well, I had absolutely NO idea that saying "Ma'am" meant I was supposed to repeat myself.  I figured it meant that they were trying to get my attention so they could say something else to me.  So, in the drive thru, for probably close to two or three months, I would say, "Yes?" Or "What?" when they said, "Ma'am".  Now, what would a normal person do If they weren't getting the response they anticipated with the "question" they were asking?  Most people would phrase it differently. But not people in that small town!! They just get annoyed, and say "Ma'am!!!" even louder!  My response was always the same, as the first.... "Yes!? What!! What do you need?"  Usually this would go on for a few minutes before the person would finally say something like, "I'm gonna need you to repeat that!"  Then I would.  I honestly did not have a CLUE why everyone kept saying "Ma'am" to me.  And honestly, what's with the "Ma'am", now that you mention it!!? I hate being called "Ma'am".  It just isn't my thing! I know there in the south it is supposed to be a respectful way of addressing someone, but if the tone of voice is angry, what difference does it make what the actual WORDS are!?

Far away in dream land!

     Huh!? That's funny! I just had the weirdest dream!! I dreamt I was living this crazy life with my three kids and a workaholic husband.  I moved six times in three years, across three states. Some of that time I was living in a strange far off land where people still wrote checks for their groceries and the "cool kids" had pagers. Almost two of those three years I was living with family members, including my in-laws, parents, and twice with grandparents.  Over a year and a half of that three years I had no computer, dishwasher, microwave, or any windows in my apartment. It was truly a nightmare! I was "home schooling" my kids, had a broken foot, sprained ankle, torn rotator cuff, and a torn tendon in each ankle. (BUT NO MIGRAINES!!)
     I wish I COULD say that the past few years were just a dream. But I can't. But at least by posting a little about it on my "humor blog" I am attempting to find the funny in it! I'm sure, one day, I will look back on this time in my life and just laugh and laugh and laugh! :) Now that we are all settled back in a house of our own, and the kids are all back in a real school, (sorry all you home-school moms...I don't know how you do it!), and things are starting to be more "normal", whatever that means, I am ready to try to laugh more. Wish me luck.  I think I forgot how!

Henry and the Horse

Once upon a time, in a land about 2 miles from our house, a little boy named Henry tagged along on his big sister's fieldtrip to the farm. He went on a hayride, pet goats, ponies, chickens and cuddled bunny rabbits. It was a great day for Henry and his big sister...until...all the kids decided to feed the big horses carrots and apples. It was fun! Henry really liked the big horses! Henry decided to pet a horse. Henry's chubby little hand looked like an apple to the great big horse. The great big horse bit Henry's hand. Henry is lucky to have fingers, even though horses have very blunt teeth. The End!

Feeling Old...

Last weekend my family went to Memphis (about 2 hours from where I live) and had a great time. We had some really great barbeque at a place called "Corky's". As we were sitting there waiting for our names to be called, we began looking at all of the celebrities who had eaten there. Looking at a picture of Elvis Presley on the wall, my nine year old son says, "Hey! Wasn't that guy a rock star in the Nineteen Hundreds!?" Uhhhh..... yeah!

Not quite measuring up....

Monday Memories - Cupping

I have a friend, and she is actually better friends with my sister, that is so fun to be around. I don't know how she is so creative, but she has the funniest ideas. I have to tell you about something she used to do on a regular basis. It's called "cupping". Start by buying a drink somewhere and drinking it ("hey, I think I can handle this so far!) Then you take your empty cup and place a few industrial strength magnets in it. Then you glue the lid and straw back on the top. Then you stick it to the roof of your car. The point of the game is to see how many people you can get to flag you down and tell you that your cup in on top of your car! When they flag you down, act unknowing about the cup and then express how grateful you are for their help. Take the cup down, wait a minute or two until that person is out of sight, and then put it up again. This is a "win-win" game. You get all the laughs and others feel good about themselves for doing a good deed for the day!! I think this game would also work with a car seat and a life size doll.

Looking for a Reason to Laugh....

I have been without a computer or the internet for pretty much a year and a half now, and just haven't found time to go somewhere else and post to the humor blog! I am ready to come back - and hope anyone is still interested in laughing. Do you all need to laugh more - 'cause I know I do! I am going to try harder to post to the blog, while catching up on my family blog as well. I was just looking over my blogs and remembering how much I loved to blog. I had forgotten how much I love to blog - and how fun it is to view later and remember these things. So, check back for humor. Also, if you want to contribute to this blog, I can put you on as a writer so it can be a group thing - just let me know.

Someone had to write SOMETHING...

A Southern Baptist preacher and his wife wanted to get a dog, but they insisted that the dog be a Southern Baptist, too. They went looking at every pet store they could find, but couldn't find a dog that met their strange criteria. Finally, they found a man with a dog for sale that he insisted was indeed a Southern Baptist.

The preacher and his wife were skeptical. "Prove it," they demanded. So the man turned to the dog and said, "Ezekial, go fetch the Bible." The dog ran to the bookcase, scanned the titles, and pulled out the Bible. Then he ran back to his owner. "Now, find John 3:16" said the man. The dog licked his paw and started turning pages until he came to the third chapter of St. John. "OK, now find the 23rd Psalm" said the man. Again, the dog licked his paw and started turning pages back to the Old Testament until he came to the right page.

The preacher and his wife were amazed, and immediately purchased the dog. They took him back to their congregation and started telling people they had found a Southern Baptist dog. Their parishoners were unsure about the claims, so the preacher showed them how the dog could retrieve the Bible and turn to key scriptures. Everyone was amazed.

One parishoner, though, was still unimpressed. "Can he do regular dog tricks, too?" he asked. "Well, let's find out," said the preacher. Turning to the dog, he said, "Heel!" Immediately the dog jumped up on a chair and whacked the preacher in the forehead with his paw.

"We've been cheated!" exclaimed the preacher. "He sold us a Pentacostal dog!"

Kids know their parents

Last week, when Melissa and Brad and their kids were visiting us in Pinetop, we took the kids for a walk around Edler Lake. As we reached the far side of the lake, we came across a little bench about 12 inches high - just right for little children. Four-year-old Owen sat down, and his little sister Lydia sat down beside him. He put his arm around her, looked up at his mother and said, "I'll bet you wish you had your camera right now, huh, Mom?"

Engrish Resson - Check Sperring

Be Courageous